In Her Hands
by sonaralee
Summary: Anders reflects on his relationship with Hawke over the six years of DA2.


A/N: This is one of my few fanfics ever written, and my first ever on . Damn Anders for being so wonderful and inspirational. Any comments are welcome! The Hawke in this story is based on my mage Hawke from my second playthrough.  
>Disclaimer: These characters are Bioware's, not mine, and although the dialog generally differs from the actual in-game lines, one line is direct from the game; the one starting with "If your door is open ..."<p>

.

.

The day I met her, she walked into my clinic carefully, as if she feared the air itself was infected. She sidestepped one of my patients, a young boy writhing on his wooden slab, with a look of pity. She was tall and slender, with blonde hair braided to her neck, and a form-fitting grey robe. Her companions were a dwarf, an agitated looking elf, and a woman in city guard uniform. _Come to take me away on some false charge_, I thought, until she was standing before me with an expectant look.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I believe you can help us."

I knew that by "help," she meant that she needed my maps to the Deep Roads. The only reason anyone not in need of healing would come to see me anymore. I opened my mouth to refuse, when I noticed the staff at her back. She was a beautiful woman, she needed my help, and she was a mage; three things I could never say no to.

"I'm Valerie Hawke," she continued. I nodded, and gave her my terms.

.

One year after I met her, the center of my life was still my clinic, with its dirt floors and festering wounds and crying mothers. Healing justified my existence, or so I told myself, and now I had a second justification. Valerie Hawke. I saw her rarely, on the occasion she needed my magic on one of her adventures. "My magical talent lies more on the offensive end of things," she had explained with one of her adorable crooked smiles. I often noticed her glancing at my hair, as if afraid to look into my eyes. Well, I did have nice hair. She always seemed somewhat nervous around me, even as she destroyed hundreds of her enemies in battle.

Of course, I was probably more monstrous than any of them. I was losing my sense of humor to my anger at the templars, and Vengeance was with me far more than Justice ever was. I tried to keep the mood light, telling her stories about my kitten and my recovering patients. When she smiled at me, Darktown became beautiful.

.

Two years after I met her, Valerie told me stories of her childhood with her sister Bethany, who had been killed by an ogre before we met. I had never seen her cry, and every part of me was holding back from pulling her into my arms and telling her to let loose her feelings on me.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I don't like to dwell on…" she trailed off.

I knew she was trying to stay strong, and she was strong. Far stronger than I ever was, with more self control. I tried to remember self control as I looked at her eyes, her lips, so close to mine…all I had to do was lean in, touch her face and pull her to me…but. Of course, self control. I still pretended to have some.

.

Three years after I met her, I was having another sleepless night. It was her fault, of course. Actually, it was my fault. She sensed the darkness growing in me; she had seen my eyes glow blue and my voice deepen too many times. She rarely visited my clinic, or asked me to join her when she left. My body was aching for her, to feel her wrapped up with me in bed, her hands touching my chest and running down lower. This was what kept my eyes open at night, and this was what kept them open in the morning, as I watched for her to enter my clinic.

It was Aveline who entered instead. I tried to remain friendly, because she was Valerie's friend, but she was still captain of the guard, and I barely trusted her.

"Anders." She nodded.

"And what have I done this time?" I couldn't help but smirk.

Aveline sighed. "Aside from acting like a moody child, nothing. I'm here to discuss the matter of Hawke. Rather, of you and Hawke. I've seen the way you –"

"Aveline, please. If you're here to warn me to keep my hands off your friend, to keep my _demons _out of her life, there is no need. She isn't—"

And there she was, at Aveline's side. She had a way of sneaking up on me, a skill likely learned from years of hiding from the templars with her sister. "I've missed you." She was smiling, but she looked wary, and her fingers were entwined and fidgeting. "Listen, I… Aveline, can I speak with Anders alone for a moment?"

Aveline placed a hand on her shoulder and walked away, shaking her head and muttering to herself.

Valerie and I sat down on a bench behind my worktable. "Anders…" There was a minute-long pause. "I wonder how Ser Pounce-A-Lot is doing. Do you ever wonder about him? I always wanted a cat, but Carver was allergic, most likely just to spite me. He always… well, he always tried to spite me." Her eyes were wide; her face now inches from mine. Her fingertips brushed across the hand I laid in my lap.

"Valerie. I cannot, _will_ not, keep playing this game. Please don't tease me like this, I can't take it. I think about you every day, every night, I think about you when I—" There was no way to finish that sentence without revealing more than she needed to know. I gripped her hand, watching her face carefully for a reaction. A small, knowing smile played across her lips.

"I won't tease you…if you promise to stop teasing me first." Her hands were suddenly on my face, her lips softly touching me, and I lost all the control I had built up inside for the past three years. I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her roughly, moaning as my tongue reached into her mouth.

We slowly broke apart, and reality set back in. "Is this is what you really want?" I asked. "To be with a man whose actions are at the mercy of a demon? I almost killed an innocent woman; how can I promise my fury will never turn on you?"

"We have waited for each other for three years," she sighed. "I'm willing to risk whatever may come to us."

"Then I will give you one more chance to avoid that risk. If your door is open tonight, I will come to you. If not, I'll know you took my warning at last."

Later that night, her door was open.

.

Six years after I met her, Vengeance finally won the battle, and I became a murderer. My deepest regret was that I had made my Valerie, my love, an unknowing accomplice to my plan. I slouched on a crate, a few feet away from the chaos I had created, as Fenris and Sebastian shouted at her to end me. I turned away as Aveline and Varric shook their heads in shock. I heard Merrill crying behind them. I would not allow myself to witness Valerie's reaction, to see her sickened face as she held the weight of my life in her hands. Her footsteps sounded behind me, and I shuddered.

"I'm sorry. I love you," she whispered, as the steel of her dagger touched my back.

I deserved my death at her hands. I did not deserve her love.


End file.
